The  1st Affair

A married man was having  an affair
With his secretary.

One day they went  to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8pm.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told  his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass  and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove  home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife  demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he  replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my  secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying  bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

The  2nd Affair

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always  talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby  boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife:  ’There’s no way I can
Be the father of this  baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my  back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No,  not this time!’

The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the  body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made  a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private  part
He had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’  the mortician
Commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It  must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed  it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it  home.

‘I have something to show you
You won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
Opening his  briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife  exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

The  4th Affair

A woman was in  bed with her lover
When she heard her  husband
Opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she  said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’
She said. ‘Pretend you’re a  statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
As  he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she  replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I  got one for us, too…’

No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2am the husband got  up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich  and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have  this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th  Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll  be one cent.’

‘One cent?’ the man  exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and  asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle  of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A  nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this  place?’

The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing  upstairs
With your wife?’

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
To his business down here.’

The  6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have  something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in  peace.
I slept with your sister, your best  friend,
Her best friend and your mother!’

‘I  know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

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